Why do fat kids love cake?

Or better yet, Why do I have to be such a fat kid?!


July 31st was the day, the day that "Georgie" (my dentist) fucked up my diet!
I thought I was going in for a root canal and instead I had to have my molar removed!
Now please keep in mind that dental work is something I have to be mentally prepared for, so the molar removal was completely out of left field. I left the office with a swollen face feeling violated and literally crying for my mommy.
To top it off there were all these rules, I couldn't eat solids for days, had to take antibiotics and vicodine and couldn't work out for at least a week.

I knew that the first and last of those rules was sure to bite me in the ass.
I didn't eat solids that weekend and thought great, even if I don't work out I'm sure to continue my weigh loss if I'm not eating much. The problem with that is that if I go without anything for a while I have to binge afterward to compensate, to give myself a reward for being so good.....for a while.
I rewarded my self with a burger that lead to burgers and tacos,fried food, pizza, doughnuts and ice cream.

I'm sure that it is now safe to work out, however I have not used my elliptical or wii fit since said dentist appointment.
I feel ashamed, i think that if my elliptical had eyes it would roll them at me and say "mmmmhhmmmm bitch please" and the Wii fit, man the Wii fit is going to lecture me! It's going to ask questions and tell me I've put on weigh :( it's a bully like that, I think I'm scared of it the most.

This morning I thought, this is the day I get back on track and I really believed it until about 9:30AM when it was time for coffee and there in front of me was CAKE!
Grrr I'm weak and I thrive on pleasure. The cake was good, very good. Moist, rich and it felt so good in my mouth. Why do I find such satisfaction from this? Why is cake worth jeopardizing my diet, health and sexiness?

Tomorrow is another day, hopefully a cake free day.

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My boob hurts :(

So last Thursday I woke up with my right boob feeling sore.
Although it was bothering me all day I didn't think it was a reason for concern.
It's not really a pain as much as it is a discomfort. It almost feels like the sensation of ice rubbing on your skin and when I try to touch it to pin point the area the discomfort disappears.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday and today have been the same.
I've examined my breasts looking for bumps or anything that can be a cause for alarm and nothing.
By now I've died about 3 times in my head. Of course it can't be something simple, it must be life threatening if it's happening to me.
What if it's cancer? what if an ultrasound is not good enough and I need a mammogram?!
What if the doctors can't figure out what's wrong?!

I've been trying to get through to my doctor's office all morning, but all I get is the machine.
I'm growing restless. Every hour that passes without a call back is an hour I spend thinking of my death or having to change my Blog name to biglipsbigtitt :(

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Paranoia or common sense?

So last night after I was visually raped by greasy ass Rico Suave I received an IM on my cell from a screen name I didn't recognize.
Yeah, it's happened before so I went along with the conversation hoping to get some sort of insight on who this person could be. Two hours later I was more confused than ever and still had no idea of who this person could be.
He said we dated a few years back, even described what my car looked like, the clothes I wore, what we did together, a hidden birthmark I have, my daughter's name, the phone I had at the time and even knew my shoe size.
I'm pretty sure that if in fact we did date I would remember him. The description he gave me of himself was quite vague ( a Jewish law student), that can be anyone! AND he lives in the valley. I've never dated anyone in the Valley! All this leads me to believe that someone who knows me is fucking with me and is trying to get me to admit to some fucked up shit I did or wants to scare me and hopefully not show up at my job or front door.
I've narrowed my suspects to 3 and one would only want me to confess to dating outside of our "relationship" (the dates IM guy  gave me fall into the same time frame), the other two might be trying to find out where I live so they can show up and burn down my place because I maybe was just a little tiny bit of a bitch to them :/
This morning there was a creepy guy wearing a big hoodie on the corner of my block just sitting on his bike, not waiting to cross the street or anything just sitting there.
I really hope he's not a hit man and if I see him there again tonight or tomorrow I'm calling the cops and telling them he  has a gun and was buying weed. :( I have some fun plans coming up this month that I would really hate to miss because I'm dead..
Just to be on the safe side I'm going to start sleeping with a knife under my pillow again.

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Female condoms

I love spontaneous sex! The walk in the door, rip my clothes off, choke me spank me pull my hair kind of sex...okay maybe I've said too much, but you know what I mean. The only thing that gets in between me and that kind of sex is having to stop, run around frantically looking for a condom and having to wait for dude to put it on which always seems to require his undivided attention.

It was no surprise that I was elated when I read that a female condom can be worn up to 8 hours before intercourse. This was sure to be my new best friend!
 I found the female condoms at Walgreen's and while the $3.25 per condom price tag was a bit discouraging, I figured it was going to be well worth the uninterrupted nastiness I had in mind.
The condom looked uncomfortable and has this ring on the top of it that you're supposed to squeeze and insert in your vag as far as you can. I added lube to both inside and out as I wanted to make sure I was ready to go when Contractor walked through the door in a couple of hours. I could definitely feel it inside of me and the ring moved as I walked but it wasn't painful in any way.
As soon as that door opened we started to undress each other and when he said "brb I'm going to get a condom" I proudly said "don't worry about it, I'm wearing one" ;) Not gonna lie, he had that Scooby Doo ruh roh look on his face but went along with it.
We were careful about getting things started, but as soon as we were going at it, there was a sound coming from my vag, it sounded like rustling plastic bags. Later I found out that this noise is normal and can be caused by lack of lubrication (not the case at all).
When the noise stopped I was relieved, but a few minutes later concerned so as we switched positions I  reached for my vag to make sure everything was still okay and to my surprise the condom was nowhere to be found. We checked all around and nothing!
Contractor had to play OB/GYN and dig in my vag to pull it out. By this time I was tense and scared that I might have his swimmers trying to infiltrate my precious egg or even worse that I may catch something from him!
We tried another one, this time with even more lubrication but had the same problem.

In conclusion, I was very bummed. The sensation was good for both of us, because the FC is made from polyurethane it allows more heat to transfer which makes it feels more natural and it's great for those girls who are allergic to latex. However, I think I know what our problem was, the condom is only 6.7" long and about 1" of that is supposed to stay outside of your body. This means that the guys manhood can only be a max of 5.7"! (Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't want, don't want, don't want, don't want, don't want no short dick man!!!)  Thankfully Contractor is longer than that so when he went in full force he pushed the condom in deeper and deeper.
I wish they would make the FC in different sizes to accommodate us lucky bitches who always seem to get the horse hung guys, although I doubt that will happen since the FC has been around for many years and has been unable to gain popularity.
On that  note does anyone want to buy 3 brand new, sealed female condoms? I promise I won't laugh at your man's small dick.

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